


Natsu.

by an3m1c



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, But it's okay, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Coming of Age, I promise, Post-Time Skip, Pre-Time Skip, Teen Angst, i just want soup and for natsu to get the fic she deserves, i think i accidentally gave natsu mental illness, i'm a simple person, kagehina if you squint, she has friends, that's all, ummmmm so basically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:01:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28947840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/an3m1c/pseuds/an3m1c
Summary: They were a pair.Hinata was a spiker, Natsu was a setter.Hinata known by his family name, Natsu known by her given name.That's just how things worked.__________________________________________________________________Volleyball is hard. Growing up is harder.Natsu is a skilled volleyball player, more specifically a setter.Yet, when her brother leaves for Brazil, she can’t seem to understand why she plays the sport at all.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 52
Kudos: 160





	Natsu.

Natsu liked volleyball, and then she didn’t. 

She liked the sport when she and Shoyo sat in front of the TV after doing homework to watch games, screaming their tiny lungs off until it drew their mother out of the kitchen. She didn’t like volleyball when it involved her brother coming home late from the Karasuno gym, or when it kept him practicing in their backyard long after the sun had gone down. On nights like those, she sat in front of the TV recording matches for them to watch later. The steady distant beat of a bouncing ball kept her company. 

Natsu, with a stubbornness rivaling her brother’s, would not beg for him to come back indoors. Instead, she opted to communicate with him through glances framed by furrowed eyebrows like the volleyball players she’d watch on TV. Sometimes a little hope would seep through, and she imagined that she’d see her brother wrapping up his drills though that was rarely the case. The intensity in his eyes only increased the more time he spent practicing, and sometimes a tall ill-tempered boy (whose name Natsu eventually discovered to be Kageyama) would practice with him. Kageyama’s shouts, Hinata’s retorts, and the thud of volleyballs grated against her ears. 

Natsu didn’t understand why her brother would hang out with someone who insulted him so frequently. Maybe she should be louder, taller, be whatever it was that kept her brother away from home most nights of the week.

“Shoyo.” Natsu could feel a pout threatening to appear on her face, but she held her ground.

Hinata looked up from his dinner.

“Why do you hang out with Kageyama so much? He’s always yelling at you.”

“Oh, that’s just how Kageyama is. He yells at me. I yell back.”

“But why do you hang out with him more than me? Why do you like him?” Her face scrunched up without her permission, and Natsu remained unaware of the peculiar phrasing of her last question.

“Ah well,” Shoyo mumbled as he scratched the back of his head and broke eye contact with her. “It’s because he’s a great setter! And I want to be Karasuno’s ace, so I need someone to set for me!”

A setter huh, Natsu thought to herself.

______________________________________

The first time Natsu practiced with her brother, the ball felt strange in her hands.

“Practice until the ball feels like an extension of yourself! Like it’s your friend!” Shoyo had told her as he willed the ball to rise and fall at his command.

If that’s what the ball was supposed to feel like, then Natsu felt like she was trying to befriend her worse nemesis. Every missdirected ball made her skin itch with frustration, but something inside her demanded to keep going.

So she continued to practice until her arms bloomed with bruises, joined a team for elementary school students, and practiced some more. She was a Hinata after all; quitting wasn’t something she was familiar with.

The moment her hands became accustomed to the shape of the ball, Natsu wanted to practice setting. She asked her coach to give her drills she could run on her own. Shoyo attempted to help, but he was no setter. Natsu wanted more; hungered for more. 

Her brother began inviting Kageyama to their house to help her practice. Natsu didn’t know if she liked Kageyama. She was loud, curious, and daring not unlike her brother while Kageyama always looked like he was holding back an insult. Must be a reflex like the knee-jerk test doctors do, she thought.

Natsu decided that Kageyama was tolerable mostly because he was a good setter, less so because of his teaching abilities. Kageyama described things in less conventional terms such as “boom”, “bam”, and “dun”. From an onlooker’s perspective, this might’ve even seemed comical if not incredibly confusing, but Natsu wasn’t an onlooker. Natsu watched Kageyama practice in her backyard and play at games for an entire year. She knew how to angle her arms for a “boom” and how much to jump for a “bam”. It didn’t matter that Kageyama wasn’t a great teacher. Natsu was an eager student, and that was enough for their opposing dynamics to work.

“She’s really good, your sister,” Kageyama told Hinata one day while cleaning up the Karasuno gym.

“Of course! She’s my sister after all!”  
  
“Boke! I mean it. She works hard and practices smart. I’m glad I won’t be competing with her in the future.”

Hinata’s chest swelled with pride. He knew better than most just how talented his sister is, having practiced with her in their backyard on numerous occasions. Though Hinata was initially worried about Natsu not being able to practice with someone with a similar level of experience as her, Natsu quickly proved that practicing with someone of a lesser caliber than her brother would only hold her back. 

Hinata fondly remembers the first time the two of them successfully did a quick. It wasn’t quite as fluid or instinctive as his freak quick with Kageyama, but Natsu had managed a quick set when most kids her age were still unaccustomed to the feeling a volleyball in their hands. He remembers the distinct shimmer in her eyes, one that he knows all too well.

He held back a snarky comment about Kageyama saying something sensible for once and smiled to himself as they finished cleaning up the gym.

______________________________________

During her last year of elementary school, Natsu practiced even harder than usual. Compulsion and conviction made her hands crave the constant contact of a volleyball. She was determined to make a good first impression when joining a middle school team, making her brother run drills with her long after the sun had set. On nights like these, it was Shoyo who had to beg Natsu to come back inside to eat and rest. 

“Natsu, let’s go inside. It’s late.”

  
“No.” Thump, the ball bounced off of her forearm.

“Natsuuuu,” Shoyo whined, returning the ball to her.

“10 more minutes,” Natsu said, concentrating harder on the ball.

“Natsu, I want to talk to you about something.”

“Can’t you tell me after practicing?”

“I mean- yes, but no,” Hinata fumbled with his words as he caught the volleyball.

Natsu stared at her brother as his brows furrowed the way they do when he’s working on seemingly impossible classwork. They stood across from each other in possibly the longest span of silence to ever occur in the Hinata household. It made Natsu want to tap her feet, to fill the silence with motion, noise, anything.

“Come on Shoyo, what’s going on? You’re worrying me.”

“Ah sorry, I didn’t mean to- What I wanted to tell you is that- um,” Shoyo’s sentence trailed off once again.

“Hmph, if you’re not going to tell me anything then can I at least have the volleyball back?”

“I’m going to Brazil,” Shoyo finally looks back at Natsu, volleyball still in hand.

“Brazil?”

“Yeah, Brazil.”

“I’m guessing this has to do with volleyball?” Natsu read him like a book.

“Yeah, volleyball, but not indoor volleyball. I’m going for beach volleyball. I have a lot to learn and beach volleyball would be perfect for me and,” Hinata chewed on his lips as his eyes unveiled the hint of a smile. “And there’s something special about being a beginner again.”

Natsu couldn’t muster enough kindness to look at her brother, keeping her gaze locked on the space between them. The sound of Shoyo’s feet digging into the grass and his hands fiddling with the volleyball were both too loud and too quiet for her liking.

“But don’t worry! I’m not leaving right now! I’ll be home practicing and preparing for a year, so I’ll be around! And even when I leave, you can practice with the other Karasuno people still in town like Yamaguchi or Kageyama. I’m sure I can convince Tsukki too though it sounds like he might be busy-”

“Okay,” Natsu cut him off.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay. You love volleyball, so why not go to Brazil?” Her question wasn’t redundant. It was a challenge, a dare. One she knew Shoyo wouldn't answer. Yet she asked and hoped for something anyways. Natsu came up with a thousand different responses and a small part of her wanted to be gently held in the center of all of them. 

“Yeah, that’s me. Hinata Shoyo and his volleyball going to Brazil.” The air between them swelled with words unsaid. The tension was unbearable.

“Ah,” Hinata snapped back into the present. “Here’s the volleyball. No more than 10 minutes okay? Rest is important too,” Shoyo tossed the ball to Natsu.

“Thanks,” Natsu caught the ball.

As Hinata walked back inside, he heard a spike so loud it made his own hand sting.

______________________________________

When Natsu entered her first year of middle school, Shoyo had graduated high school. Naturally, Natsu joined her middle school’s volleyball team and eagerly rushed into their first practice. She stood with all the other first year students in their matching gym clothes, and the novelty of everything made something as mundane as lining up for roll call exciting. 

Without looking around, Natsu knew she was the shortest player of her year. Despite her lack of height, she knew she stood out, and it wasn’t because of her short fluffy orange hair. She hoped it'd go unnoticed.

“Hinata?” The Coach called.

“Yes,” Natsu stepped forward, shoulders square, and head held high. “Hinata Natsu, but you can just call me Natsu. I play setter.”

“Hinata…” Coach tapped her pencil against her chin. “Ah! Hinata! Like the Little Giant from Karasuno!” 

Natsu's posture slipped the slightest bit as she sighed. “Yes, that’s my brother.”

“It’s neat that he’s a spiker and you’re a setter. A volleyball sibling pair!” Coach seemed awfully proud of herself for figuring that out. 

“Mhmm.”

“I’m so glad I saw him play before he graduated. I wonder what he’s up to these days?”

Natsu shrugged.

“You know, most kids your age still don’t know what position they want to play. Everyone will get to try out other positions during practice. Are you sure you want me to write you down as a setter, Natsu?”

“Yes,” Natsu responded without hesitation. Like Coach said, they were a pair. 

Hinata was a spiker, Natsu was a setter.

Hinata known by his family name, Natsu known by her given name.

That's just how things worked.

Natsu stepped back.

Natsu knew exactly what her brother was up to these days. She just didn’t feel like going through the ordeal of explaining it all. People already asked too many questions when seeing her family name, and they particularly enjoyed asking about the Hinata not standing in front of them. Natsu knew these people had no ill intentions, yet the frequency of it all dragged the corners of her mouth down just enough to be noticeable.

In all honesty, Natsu knew that her brother was practicing volleyball, doing volleyball related things, and beach volleyball related things. The specifics weren’t hers to care about not that she wanted to anyways. Shoyo’s routines didn’t concern her, didn’t affect her volleyball playing, until they did. Most evenings when Shoyo wasn’t in the living room watching beach volleyball matches, he was in the backyard practicing drills. Natsu’s setting drills.

“Hey Natsu, can you help me with something?”

“No.”

“But it’ll be quick I promise! I just have a question about timing sets.”

“No.”

“Pleaaaase?”

“Can’t you ask Kageyama? He’s a pro setter.”

“Kageyama’s busy practicing for the olympics or whatever.” Shoyo’s eyes bore holes into his volleyball. 

Natsu was more acquainted with Kageyama and Shoyo’s “rivalry” than most. The sounds of their bickering in the backyard became background noise to her over the years. She knew how hard it was for him to change and loosen his grip on whatever he and Kageyama had at the end of high school. The result being Shoyo practicing longer hours and him constantly begging Natsu to practice with him. 

She could sense remnants of her brother’s high school grudge waiting to be quelled by a reassuring statement that she couldn’t give him.

“But _you’ve_ been practicing with him!” He continued. “It’ll basically be the same thing except you’re way better at explaining things than he is! All his sound effects don’t make sense to me when it comes to setting.”

His compliment doesn’t quite reach Natsu.

“No,” Natsu deadpanned and locked herself in her room. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to help her brother. The idea that he’d ask her for help might’ve flattered her on a better day. Helping him felt like giving part of herself away, and she wasn’t sure she wanted Shoyo to carry her to Brazil. 

She fell onto her bed and buried her face in her pillow.

It already took everything for Natsu to hold herself together these days. Her hands were not quite gentle enough to comfort herself, not quite large enough to hold all the pieces of herself, not quite full enough to feel complete.

Her brother already seemed to have so much, and Natsu had so little of herself to give. He’d be okay without her help.

______________________________________

When Natsu played her first match, she didn’t think about her brother. She didn’t think about her brother because she practiced not thinking about him or the other Karasuno grads in his year that he brought along to her game. Shoyo insisted on coming, and Natsu was too nervous about the match to say no.

As Natsu set for her teammates during warm-ups, she thanked her genetics that her nerves didn’t reach her stomach. With each set, she became more attuned to her teammates, more comfortable with the new environment, more focused. The noises from the crowd drowned into nothingness until she was only aware of the movements of her teammates. When she glanced at the setter on the opposing team, she saw them reel back and shudder. 

_Strange_ , she thought. No one has ever reacted to her like that before. On her team, Natsu was known to be a people person and a mood-setter, the combination of traits adding to her abilities as a setter. During practices, she exuded brightness and made her teammates feel better even on their lowest days. In turn, they’d make her feel better too. They made her feel like Natsu. Natsu, the small setter whose short orange hair trailed behind her with every jump set. Natsu, the teammate who asked everyone how their day was before practice. 

Natsu, just Natsu. 

She concluded that her mother’s eyes are intimidating no matter whose face they’re on.

Natsu’s team won the match 2-0, and the game ended all too quickly. As the rest of her teammates ran onto the court in a celebratory dogpile of excitement, Natsu felt empty without the frequent touch of a volleyball. The adrenaline in her blood made her skin itch.

As she and her team left the stadium she saw her brother and four of his friends trailing behind him. They were nice, her brother’s friends. “Nice” in the sense that they’d always be there for each other, not “nice” in the sense that they were all kind words and unconditional support (though, Natsu was sure that Yachi was physically incapable of being anything but kind). 

They were nice to Natsu too, though a different kind of nice. They were nice enough to promise Shoyo that they’d look out for her once he left for Brazil. _What kind of big brother would I be if I left you on your own with nothing while I left for the other side of the planet?_ he had said. Yeah, Natsu wondered. What kind of big brother _would_ he be? What kind of big brother had he been? Shoyo was the kind of person who took; took advantage of opportunities, took chances. He had already taken so much, Natsu wondered if he knew what exactly he left her with.

Natsu also wondered what kind of “nice” siblings were supposed to be. She knew her brother was all kinds of “nice” even when she wasn’t nice back. Shoyo stayed “nice,” and Natsu, well, Natsu didn’t know what she wanted to be. 

So she wondered what would become of them when her brother returned from Brazil. As her brother and his friends approached her, she abandoned the thought. There was no need to add fuel to that fire right now.

“NATSU!” Shoyo waved.

“Shoyo!” She waved back with her free hand, the euphoria of winning a match still lingering on her skin.

“That was such a great game! You made me wish I was there hitting your sets! Were you nervous? You didn’t seem nervous though, and I’m kind of jealous of that. Oh and your serves were really great too! Gah there’s no way I would’ve been able to dig those if I played against you in middle school.”

“You wouldn’t have been able to dig them even in your first year of high school,” Tsukishima jabbed.

Kageyama nodded in agreement. Yamaguchi and Yachi laughed.

“I can confirm that Shoyo didn’t really start practicing receiving until the end of his first year,” Natsu added.

“In Hinata’s defense, he was a bit of a newbie back then,” Yachi said.

“That’s true. Hey,” Yamaguchi said. “You're his little sister. Aren’t you supposed to defend him?”

“Nope, it’s our job to keep their egos in check.”

Tsukishima held out his hand for a high five. Natsu’s met his with a satisfying impact that could only come from two volleyball players. Yamaguchi and Yachi laughed even louder, Kageyama looked like he wanted to yell at Shoyo, Shoyo attempted to defend himself. Their laughter danced in the space between them like a summer breeze, a reminder of how refreshing a break from the beating sun can be.

It was nice.

______________________________________

The days leading up to Shoyo’s departure were surreal. Empty slots began showing up on their living room bookshelf, boxes of things to be donated appeared out of nowhere, and suitcases occupied the floor of Shoyo’s room. The sight of it all wasn’t sad, though the expression on Shoyo’s face occasionally resembled melancholy or something else akin to sadness. 

Their whole family made sure to spend extra time with Shoyo. Their parents took extra time off of work to help him pack, gathered snacks he may not find in Brazil, tenderly held his face to memorize his features because they knew he’d come back different. 

Friends dropped by at any and all times of the day. Shoyo’s juniors looked at him in awe, and his seniors came by between classes and work to ruffle his hair and tell him words of encouragement. _Not that you need it_ , they’d always add. The people who stayed around the longest were the people in his graduating class. They hung around the living room sitting wherever there was space to sit. Natsu joined them. The scene was familiar, and the conversations flowed easily.

“You’re going to get so tan from playing out on the beach everyday,” Yachi said from the couch she, Yamaguchi, and Tsukishima were sitting on.

“I suppose so,” Shoyo sat on the floor with a volleyball.

It seemed difficult, packing your life into a couple suitcases and saying goodbye to everything you grew up with. Not that Natsu would know what that was like. She had lived in the same house all her life, and she wasn’t planning on moving anytime soon—not that moving was even an option to begin with. She told herself “I’m not moving” as if responding to a question, as if she had a say in the matter.

More than anything Shoyo seemed excited. Of course he did. Sure he was moving to another country where he would have to train his mind to think in a language not his own, but he was moving for volleyball and Shoyo loved volleyball. He played volleyball for the sake of playing volleyball. The need to prove something with his height was an aftereffect. The simplicity of that seemed nice, Natsu thought.

“Hopefully you won’t get bitten by ticks.” Tsukishima said.

“There’s no such thing as bugs on the beach!” Kageyama retorted from beside Shoyo.

“Yeah, there’s too much water!” Shoyo added.

“That’s the ocean… The beach has sand… and plants,” Yamaguchi smiled through his words.

Hinata and Kageyama frowned in defeat. Natsu smirked. “Maybe you two shouldn’t be arguing with the STEM majors in the room.”

Her comment got her a fist bump from Tsukishima, a red-faced Yamaguchi, and Yachi with a hand over her mouth.

“Hey! You’re supposed to be on my side Natsu! Your brother’s about to leave for the other side of the world, and you still choose to insult him.”

“Says the one speaking in third person,” Kageyama jabbed.

“Hey! That comment was directed at both of us Kageyama!”

“What kind of sister would I be if I didn’t make fun of you up until the minute you left?”

“Fine, but when I come back we can settle things with a match. I’ll be so good by then, I’ll be wiping the floor with your jersey in no time.”

Tsukishima’s face scrunched underneath his glasses, “please, tell me not every Hinata is this unsanitary.”

“No, because I’ll be wiping the floor with Shoyo’s jersey and then tossing that away with the rest of the trash in the house.” Natsu said confidently, expertly masking the lack of resolve in her voice.

She got a fist bump _and_ a high five from Tsukishima.

“We can help you with that!” Yamaguchi motioned around the room. Everyone nodded.

“I’ll be your moral support and ball girl,” Yachi added.

“You four better double pinky promise me that you’ll help Natsu while I’m gone.”

“Of course we will, boke,” Kageyama held out his pinky and looked away. Shoyo locked pinkies with the boy next to him, and everyone in the room suppressed a smile.

“I’m not touching your pinky,” Tsukishima’s hands retract into his jacket pockets.

“Stingy-shima Kei!” Shoyo jumped up from his spot on the floor. “I am leaving for a foreign country. The least you can do is give me a pinky promise.” Shoyo sticks his pinky in front of Tsukishima’s face.

Yamaguchi, reflexes still quick from his high school volleyball days, reached out to block him. Kageyama stood up to hold Shoyo back from attacking Tsukishima with his pinky, and Yachi laughed, scooting away from the scene. They continued to banter like this for hours, limbs waived in time with their words, high-five worthy jabs were exchanged, bodies held back from tackling one another.

At that moment in time, the boxes littering the room faded away and any signs of Shoyo’s move disappeared. Though Natsu could see her peripherals just fine, she chose not to and instead drowned herself in the warmth of everyone’s banter. 

It was nice.

______________________________________

  
  


The house was quiet without Shoyo around. Natsu expected to like it or at least make something out of it. The silence left too much room for her thoughts, too much room to think about things like why did she play volleyball? Why did she practice so much? Why didn’t she just stop? _Could_ she stop? 

Her head amplified the silence until it rang sharply in her ears and the sensation it left was unwelcome. 

Natsu remedied her situation by practicing in the school gym until her coach or teammates forced her to go home or her muscles gave out on her, whichever came first. The soreness was welcomed and helped drown out the cacophony in her head. 

Natsu didn’t think very highly of her actions. Her constant practicing wasn’t admirable; it was obsessive. It led her to win Miyagi’s Setter of the Year, becoming one of the few first years to ever win the award, and her team went on to nationals. 

The photos her mother would eventually hang in their home starred Natsu holding glittering trophies, certificates, medals. Her face adorned with a forced smile and emotions as hollow as the awards gathering dust on her bookshelf.

_An accumulation of all her hard work,_ Yamaguchi would say. It sounded so sincere. Too sincere for someone like Natsu.

Even when there were no more matches to play and everyone went on break, Natsu would practice. Now there was no one to stop her from spending countless hours with her volleyball in her backyard. Unless she was practicing with someone, and that someone was usually Tsukishima.

“Why am I here?” Tsukishima asked between passes.

“It’s too quiet.”

“So you asked the quietest out of the three of us to come help you practice?”

“I think you only seem quiet because Shoyo’s so loud.”

“Maybe. But that still doesn’t answer my first question.”

Natsu didn’t return the next ball.

Tsukishima tried to make eye contact. “This has something to do with Hinata, doesn’t it?” Natsu looked up. 

“I’m a younger sibling too you know.”

After a moment of silence, Natsu spoke up. “I’m trying to figure out if I like volleyball.”

Natsu could see Tsukishima’s eyes soften as he took in her words. 

“I understand. And your consensus?”

“Consensus?”

“Conclusion, decision, thoughts. What’s going through that head of yours.”

“I don’t know. I thought playing more volleyball would help me figure that out, but I feel the same. indifferent. I feel indifferent about volleyball, and I feel indifferent about being a setter. Except, now it feels harder to quit.”

“Do you want to quit?”

“I don’t know. I don’t have a reason to keep playing, and I don’t have a reason to stop playing.”

Tsukishima smiled.

“You’ll figure it out.”

“Doesn’t feel like I’ll ever figure it out.”

“Nah, you’ll figure it out. You think too much. One of those thoughts of yours will end up working for you, so don’t rush it.”

Natsu smiled.

Younger sibling things.

______________________________________

Eventually, Natsu decided to quit volleyball.

Sometimes she hated it. Hated it, and for what? Stealing her time? Robbing her of- of something she couldn’t put words to. Hating things was easy. Understanding why was less easy. Most days, Natsu just wanted to hate _something_ and volleyball became an easy target. She started playing to get her brother to spend time with her, and look how _that_ worked out. That’s not to mention the countless nights spent tiring out her muscles in a gym or enduring mosquito bites in her backyard. All that, just for her brother to leave to the other side of the world. 

Volleyball stole her brother from her.

No, that wasn’t it. Natsu snapped out of her spiral of thoughts. Volleyball was always Shoyo’s. It fit him in a way that didn't happen with Natsu. It didn’t matter that she started younger or won more awards. Volleyball made Shoyo whole, and Natsu wanted to feel whole too. But when it took her brother to the other side of the world, it left Natsu empty. Empty and angry and other emotions she can’t and didn’t want to identify.

Maybe she hated her brother. Maybe she _should_ hate her brother. No, that wasn’t it either. She couldn’t hate her brother, and she couldn’t hate volleyball either. Not completely anyways. Not forever. But for now, she really really didn’t like volleyball, and sometimes she didn’t like her brother. 

Some days she’d talk to Shoyo for hours, listen to him cry about being homesick, vaguely answer his questions about her volleyball playing. Other days, she didn’t feel nice enough to answer his calls and let them go to voicemail. He didn’t need to deal with this side of her. He didn’t deserve that. It was the lesser of two evils.

But quitting didn’t come easy for her.

Even as the muscles in her hands softened and the calluses faded, Natsu could feel the ghost of the ball against her fingertips and forearms. Scratching at mosquito bites that were no longer there, she decided these were all side effects of withdrawal. Ending something that had been maintained for so many years would do that.

Her mother liked to talk about hands. It seemed like a lot of mothers liked to talk about hands and metaphors about hands holding memories and stories. Natsu looked at the lines and cracks decorating hers and wondered what stories they told. She thought about how they looked like a tangle of roads and about whether or not they were volleyball-related. Do other people’s hands look like this, she wondered. 

Some days, Natsu’s hands remembered the shape of a volleyball so clearly she could feel it pressing back against her palms, other days, she felt very little. Her mother always told her there’s no good in denying yourself happiness, but Natsu wasn’t denying herself of anything. She didn’t even know if volleyball made her happy, so her mother’s statement doesn’t apply to this situation. 

“Natsu, are you going to practice today?” Her mother would ask from her bedroom doorway.

“I don’t know,” Natsu would respond, laying on her bed.

“What are your plans for the day?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well,” her mother would sigh, turning to leave the room. “If you need anything let me know.”

Natsu curled up into herself, the weight of her mother’s helplessness kindling the guilt in her chest. 

This became a frequent occurrence in the Hinata household; this cycle of groundless remorse and unanswerable questions. Natsu told herself she was experimenting, testing out hypotheses, attempting to answer these impossible questions. Questions such as, who was Hinata Natsu? Does she like volleyball? Why did she keep on playing volleyball? Why was she not playing, what was the point of playing? She wanted to give her mother something more than an “I don’t know”. Sometimes she wanted to give herself something more too.

She tried to stop playing, she really did. Tried to let her volleyball and knee pads collect dust in the back of her closet. But she was young--she hadn’t learned how to let go of things easily. She chose to keep her equipment instead of throwing them away, and, some days, she found herself staring at her old jersey thinking about her old teammates.

Natsu holds onto things. Things like muscle memory or normal memories or the smell of her middle school gym. Change is scary, even when it’s self-inflicted. Maybe especially scary when it’s self-inflicted.

Natsu quit volleyball for a year, and, when she decided to start playing again, she started with a haircut. Change always starts with a haircut right? Or does the haircut come after? Either way, Natsu needed one to play, and her brother recommended a stylist close to home. Her hair had grownlong over the past year. She’d kept it short since she started playing volleyball for functionality. She wasn’t quite at the age where girls unceremoniously chopped their hair off to play, but she did it anyways. Maybe the cut would help her get back into the swing of things.

Natsu followed her mom into the salon. She was nervous. What if she cut her hair and didn’t jump back into volleyball? What if she hated her short hair? What if it turned out she still hated volleyball and will just have to live with an ugly head of hair for however long it takes to not look ugly anymore? What if-

“Hi how may I help you?”

Change, even familiar change, is scary.

“Hi, my daughter has a 3:00pm appointment with Kageyama.”

Kageyama? Natsu looked around the salon. The only Kageyama she knew was Tobio, and, though she hadn’t seen him much the past year, she was pretty sure he wouldn’t have quit volleyball to become a hairdresser.

A dark-haired woman not much taller than Natsu herself walked up to the counter. “Who am I helping out today? Ah long time no see Mrs. Hinata!”

Tobio’s _sister_? Tobio never mentioned having a sister. Though on second thought, that seemed like something he’d forget to mention...

“Hi Miwa, my daughter here is looking for a haircut. I have to run some errands, but she’ll tell you what she wants. Text me when you’re done, okay Natsu?”

“Yeah, I will.” 

“Don’t worry Mrs. Hinata, your daughter is in good hands,” Miwa motioned for Natsu to follow her. “Come with me.”

Miwa directed Natsu to a chair, Natsu sat facing her reflection.

“Can I call you Natsu? I already call your mom Hinata, and I imagine that would lead to some confusion”

“Natsu’s fine. Everyone calls me Natsu anyways.”

“I’m guessing it’s for volleyball?” Miwa made eye contact with Natsu’s reflection.

“Yep, volleyball.. And I’m guessing you’re Kageyama Tobio’s sister? Unless you’re not, then-”

“Don’t worry about it. Yes, I’m Tobio’s sister. I know he used to practice with you sometimes, though I heard about your volleyball playing more from your mom.”

Natsu wondered what her mom said about her this past year when she didn’t play volleyball. Her mom found a way to work volleyball into every interaction as if that was the key to a good conversation. She wondered if her mom had any good conversations last year.

“So,” Miwa broke the silence. “I’m guessing your haircut is volleyball related also?”

“You should be a medium, Kageyama.”

“Medium, hairdresser, same thing. But please, call me Miwa. No one calls me Kageyama these days, and I don’t need another volleyball fanatic finding out the workplace of Tobio’s sister.”

Natsu grinned, pitching up her voice. 

“I’m sorry, but could you get me Tobio’s autograph? I just, I’m SUCH a big fan.”

“You’re a funny kid, Natsu,” Miwa smiled.

“Nah not funny. Just the younger sibling.”

“Well, I don’t think Tobio-kun has intentionally made me laugh once, so I stand my ground.”

“You have a point.”

Miwa stepped in front of Natsu and leaned on the table behind her. “So, tell me about the hair.”

Natsu told Miwa about her hair; why it was so long, why she wanted it cut. She told Miwa about playing volleyball and then not playing volleyball. Her words flowed seamlessly and endlessly. She didn’t realize she had so much to say.

Miwa listened and nodded and commented without judgement. It was nice telling her story to an almost stranger; Miwa didn’t care about who Natsu was supposed to be. Miwa took in Natsu’s story, made space for it, and held it with her. 

It felt nice to be seen, to be known by someone. Natsu hadn’t told this tale in its entirety to anyone including her family and teammates. She dodged their questions about volleyball with half-truths and white lies until the original conversation was long lost. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust them or love them enough to tell them the truth. Maybe it was because she loved them too much to tell them the truth.

But with Miwa, the truth came easily.

Maybe this was a hairdresser thing, or an older sister thing. Natsu has never had an older sister, so she wouldn’t know. Her brother was never good with words and only slightly better at listening to them off court.

When Natsu finished talking, Miwa said, “I know the perfect haircut for you,” and led her to get her hair washed.

Natsu couldn’t remember the last time she stepped in a salon. Her thick wavy hair grew so fast that it was more convenient for her mom to cut it at home. But Miwa was good at her job, and Natsu missed having an older sibling around. Miwa directed her around the salon, wrapped Natsu in itchy fabric, and flipped her hair this way and that. Natsu followed every one of Miwa’s instructions. It was nice, having instructions laid out like that. It was easy.Natsu credits this to something about practice and skilled hands.

They continued their conversation throughout the appointment.. Natsu learned that Miwa, unsurprisingly, used to play volleyball, and that Miwa quit volleyball. Interesting, Natsu thought.

“Why’d you quit, Miwa?” Natsu asked.

“Ah well, I quit for different reasons each time.”

“Each time?”  
  
“The first time I quit, it was because I wanted to grow my hair out. The second, I realized I no longer liked volleyball.”

Natsu felt her heart drop a little.

“I can see your volleyball brain chewing on that,” Miwa continued working her scissors around Natsu’s hair. 

“I tried playing volleyball again a few years after quitting out of curiosity. Wanted to see if I still liked it. But you know the focus you get during a match,the satisfaction of a good game?”

Natsu nodded.

“That doesn’t just happen on the court.” Miwa smiled.

Natsu’s mom was right. Hands do tell stories, but so do eyes and smiles and a lot of other things. Natsu wants to own a story like that, to own something that’s so deeply etched into her skin that it may as well be Natsu herself.

“Hmmm,” Miwa moved her scissors away from Natsu’s face and took a step back. “Yup, you’re done. Take a look for yourself,” Miwa moved out of the way of the mirror.

_Oh_ . Natsu’s hair was different. It was still long, but the cut made her waves flip and turn in all the right places. And the _bangs_. Natsu has never had bangs before. She’d thought of them as an inconvenience, but here they framed her face well. She looked a little more grown up-- she supposed that everyone is always growing up. Maybe it’s just been awhile since she stared at herself in the mirror like this.

“So, what do you think?” Miwa looked proudly at Natsu’s reflection.

“It’s great! I mean, I love it, but isn’t it a bit long for volleyball?” 

“Maybe, but someone will always think your hair is too long, and someone else will think it’s too short. So what’s the point in doing what someone else thinks? Plus, plenty of players on women's teams have longer hair these days. Times are always changing. No reason to get stuck in the past.”

Natsu nodded in agreement.

“Plus, hair ties and clips are a thing. People always seem to forget long hair can be pulled back,” Miwa added.

“I really thought I was going to play looking like an orange lion.”

“Hey, I never said anything about _not_ looking like an orange lion. But that’s on your mom.”

Natsu gasped dramatically, Miwa laughed, and Natsu missed her brother a little more than usual. Miwa sat with her in the waiting area while she texted her mom to pick her up.

“I never asked, but what position did you play, Natsu?”

“Setter. You?”

“Libero.”

“You must have been tall for a libero.”

“You lived in the same house as the new Little Giant, and you’re telling me about height?” Miwa chuckled.

“Okay, fair point.” 

“Aaand your mother’s here.” As Natsu stood up to leave, Miwa clasped her on the shoulder. She smiled as if they hadn’t just met an hour ago. 

“If you ever need anything, your mom has my number. And remember h-”

“Hair clips,” Natsu attempted.

“Technically, yes. Hair clips. But I was going to say, hair can be changed! So come back if you decide this isn't you.”

Natsu touched her hair pensively. _Things can be changed._

________________________________________________________________________

Not playing volleyball was hard. Re-learning volleyball was also hard, but Natsu wanted to keep doing it. The soreness was a welcome ache, and the late night summer mosquito bites were worth the growing muscles in her body. 

Natsu was taller now. It wasn’t something she really noticed until the ball bounced higher than she was used to, and her limbs reached and flailed in ways that made her feel out of control. She knew from experience that being fully in control of one’s body took practice, but Natsu felt like she was training a stranger. Curse her body for changing without her permission.

Practicing alone was too quiet, and Natsu had had enough silence this past year. She was a people person, and there were not enough people in her backyard. She sent out a message to Shoyo’s friends; talking to them felt easier than talking to her old teammates. Some wounds, no matter how figmental, took longer to heal. 

“Wow Natsu, you’ve gotten so tall!” Yamaguchi exclaimed. He and Tsukishima happened to be in town, since their internships were nearby. 

“Wouldn’t it be funny if you were taller than your brother?”

The past year made Natsu forget that Shoyo’s friends were nice, but it took no time at all for them to fall back into their usual banter, exchanging remarks as if they hadn’t gone a year without speaking. For the first time in a while, Natsu let herself smile unrestrained. Their laughter was nostalgic and continued until they had to remind themselves of why they were all gathered to begin with.

Grabbing a volleyball and leading everyone out to the backyard, Natsu suddenly felt bad. She felt bad for not keeping in touch, for calling them out of the blue. _And gosh, they had internships too..._ They must have been busy when she messaged them.

“Natsu got quiet. What’s up?” Tsukishima broke the silence that Natsu accidentally manifested.

“Everything alright?” Yamaguchi added.

Natsu sighed. “Yeah sorry. I was thinking about how you two must be busy with work and school. I didn’t mean to trouble you.”

“Hey! Work is work, and we wouldn’t have agreed to come if we were busy. Plus, Tsukki and I play volleyball sometimes during our free time. Well, Tsukki plays more than me, but I still have fun.”

Tsukishima pointed to Yamaguchi. “His jump floats are still a pain to dig.”

Natsu smiled at the challenge. “We’ll see about that.”

Natsu could confirm that Yamaguchi had not lost his touch with volleyball and neither had Tsukishima. She crouched low, made sure none of their spikes or blocks ever touched the ground. The three of them ran through mini games, challenges, and drills until the summer heat wore them out. Yamaguchi’s hair stuck to his face, and Tsukishima looked like death himself. They headed indoors and sat down at the dining room table. Tsukishima vowed to never spend that much time in the sun ever again.

“You know, we could’ve played in a gym. There are several in the neighborhood. I’m sure someone would’ve let us in,” Tsukishima pressed a cold water bottle to his face.

“Tsukki, you already spend most of your days in a dark library or lab. The sun is good for you,” Yamaguchi jabbed.

“No wonder why you look like a ghost.” The comment earned Natsu a sluggish kick from Tsukishima under the table.

“Shut up Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima chuckled. “So what have you been up to Natsu?”

“The usual. Going to school, not playing volleyball, and then playing volleyball again. Well, trying to anyways.”

“You’re still pretty good for someone who hasn’t played in a year.Any reason you didn’t set this time though?”

Yamaguchi, once a captain, always a captain. Tsukishima seemed unsurprised by the comment.

Natsu took a second to answer. “I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’ve always played setter, so I don’t know much about playing other positions.”

“Natsu,” Tsukishima put down his water bottle. “You’re the oldest 14-year-old I’ve ever met, and I’m not talking about age. You talk like you’re supposed to have everything figured out. I mean, we’re older than you, and we _still_ don’t know what the fuck we’re doing.”

“That’s true,” Yamaguchi agreed.

“What do you mean you don’t know what you’re doing?!” Natsu was louder than she wanted to be, but she couldn’t help it. 

On some level, Natsu knew her thoughts were ridiculous, but who actually knows how to control their thoughts? She sure didn’t, but the phrase “we still don’t know what the fuck we’re doing” didn’t seem to fit the two people sitting in front of her. Not that Natsu didn’t believe them. It just seemed like they had gotten over whatever it is she was currently going through. She was envious of that and terrified of the idea that this unknowingness could last forever. She wanted to see the other side, see from the other side of whatever being a teenager meant.

“Yeah, but- ah I don’t know. It’s all very confusing.”

Both Tsukishima and Yamaguchi nodded.

“I wouldn't go back to being 14 if someone paid me a million yen,” Yamguchi said.

“I wouldn’t for two million. Being 14 was the worst.”

“It really is,” Natsu grimaced.

“Well, Natsu let us know when you become a middle blocker and kick your brother’s ass. We’ll be cheering from the front row,” Yamaguchi jested.

“I’ll bring snacks,” Tsukishima added.

Natsu groaned. “Not you two already pressuring me to become a middle blocker.”

“No no no we’re sorry. We didn’t mean to put pressure on you,” Yamaguchi said. “Besides, even pros change positions all the time! With your skills, you could play any position you want!”

“Thanks Yamaguchi.” No wonder why Karasuno placed third at nationals during Shoyo’s third year.

“What position are you thinking about then?” Tsukishima asked.

“I’ll only tell you if neither of you try to convince me out of it to become a middle blocker.”

“So she’s not planning on playing middle blocker,” Yamaguchi fake whispered to Tsukishima.

Tsukishima held back a chuckle. “Shut up Yamaguchi. We promise. Pinky swear, cross our hearts, something something. Whatever it is kids do these days.”

Natsu held her breath. Against all logic, her heart twisted in her chest sending debilitating words to her head. She spit out her words before her mind submerged with unsolicited thoughts.

“I think I want to try playing libero.” 

“Oh! Then you should definitely try talking to Kageyama’s sister! I heard she was really good when she played,” Yamaguchi suggested.

“She'd Be your best bet. Everyone else is somewhere with poor signal or,” Tsukishima checks his phone. “New Zealand?”

“New Zealand?” Yamaguchi and Natsu both questioned.

“Don’t worry about it,” Tsukishima pockets his phone. “But I agree, you should contact her. I’m sure Kageyama never mentioned her. We only found out during our third year, but if Kageyama says she’s good, then she must be _really_ good.”

“We’ve met actually! She cut my hair.,” Natsu pulled at her bangs.

“Oh, that explains a lot,” Tsukishima smirked.

“Hey, what does that mean?!”

“Tsukki stop bullying the 14 year old! You’re the adult here!”

“Well, you must’ve been living in the dark for too long because clearly you haven’t seen yourself in the mirror lately,” Natsu tossed one back at him,

“Natsu!”

“Shut up Yamaguchi!” Natsu and Tsukishima said in unison.

Yamaguchi bursted out laughing.

Younger sibling things.

______________________________________

When Natsu asked her mom for Miwa’s number, she invited her over for tea instead. _It’s the least we can do for how well she styled your hair and for all of Tobio’s help over the years_ , she had said. The math didn’t make sense, but a lot of things about adults didn’t make sense. Though, a lot of things about teenagers didn’t make sense, and maybe Natsu feeling a bit nervous and embarrassed didn’t make sense either. Inviting your hairdresser to your house for tea is nothing to be embarrassed about, right?

Ever since Shoyo left, Natsu lived in her head more than usual. The lack of another person in the house amplified her thoughts, and she wasn’t quite ready to talk to her volleyball friends again. But Miwa was nice and made for good company. She made up for whatever the Hinata household was missing.

Why’d you play libero?”

“Hmm,” Miwa thought. “I don't like letting people have the last word. People think that’s more of a blocker thing, but blockers can’t stop every ball.”

The image of Tsukishima nodding in agreement comes to Natsu’s mind.

“Plus,” Miwa continued, “volleyball is about keeping the ball in play, not letting it touch the ground. As a libero, if I could do that, then I would always be a part of that last word.”

“You must’ve been a really annoying opponent.”

“And person!” Miwa added. They laughed. “What about you? You think you’ll still play setter?”

“I’m not sure.” It’s not something Natsu had thought about before this past year. Natsu was a solid player, balanced in offense and defense, but her skills were tailored towards setting. 

“I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you this, but every play is connected and every position is satisfying in its own way. Maybe you’ll find that satisfaction on the court, maybe you’ll find it somewhere else.”

“Actually, I think I want to play libero.”

“Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve been the influential big sibling,” Miwa half joked. “Tell me, why libero?”

“When I play setter, I sometimes get to block and spike, but I rarely receive the ball. It’s the position I have the least amount of experience in.”

It was a half truth. As a setter, Natsu usually got the second touch on the ball. The whole truth was Natsu wanted to do something different, to see the court from a different point of view than the time she walked away from it.

Miwa thought for a moment. “Hmm, that sounds like a good idea.”

“You think so?”

“If it makes sense to you, and it’s something you can work at until you decide otherwise, then yeah. It’s a good idea.”

That made Natsu smile.

“Besides,” Miwa continued. “If you learn that you don’t like it, then you can always play a different position. And the only way you’ll find out if you like something is to try it.”

“Any advice for playing libero?”

“Nothing you haven’t already heard of I’m sure,” Miwa smiled. “Have fun with it - the practicing, the receiving, all of it.”

______________________________________

  
  


Natsu re-joined her middle school team as a third year. Her old teammates welcomed her back with open arms, quickly quelling any anxieties she had regarding their friendships. There were a lot of new faces; nervous first years who seemed intimidated by everything, and second years who she never got to know. Natsu supposed she was a new face too.

“Welcome back, Natsu,” Coach said.

“Thanks for having me. It’s good to be back.”

Natsu really meant it. Something about being in a gym put her at ease.

“So, what position do you see yourself playing?”

“Libero,” Natsu answered without hesitation.

“Alright!” Coach scribbled something on her clipboard and turned to leave. 

“And Coach,” Natsu called after her. She had thought long and hard about this, turning the idea in her head over and over again, saying the words out loud to herself in front of her bathroom mirror until they melded with her skin..She thought about it until she didn’t have to prompt herself to think about it.

“Call me Hinata.”

______________________________________

Playing libero was different. Natsu was closer to the ground and saw the backs of her teammates more than she was used to. She wasn’t as polished as she used to be but playing a new position relieved her from the pressure of returning to something.

Natsu landed a starting position on her team. She expected to feel a little bit of deja vu, but she didn’t. She felt as if she was starting on a clean slate, one she could make her own. 

Shoyo was right. There was something thrilling about starting something new, not knowing the bounds of your limits, paving a new path for yourself. The newness of her situation brought upon a sense of clarity that helped Natsu improve faster and play more easily than before.

When Coach handed Natsu her jerseys, she could hear Yamaguchi saying something about this being _“an accumulation of all her hard work.”_ The thought and the lingering bruises on her arms brought a smile to her face, one that outshined the dazzle of the gymnasium lights.

Natsu came to understand what Miwa told her about being a libero at her first match. Her team was playing against a rival of theirs, an equally strong powerhouse school. The opposing team’s captain was known for a particularly powerful jump serve. 

Natsu could practically envision the ball coming at her. Her team spent hours watching videos of the other team’s matches, strategizing how they would handle each player. Though she knew the serve could go towards any player on her team, Natsu’s gut told her that the opposing captain would aim for her: the rookie libero. She crouched near the ground, reflexes ready with a full view of the court. No matter how nasty the serve was, the ball would stay within her vision. If Natsu could see it, then she could receive it. No one would see her as a rookie after this game.

The serve came at her quick, but Natsu was quicker; quicker on her feet and quicker with her thoughts. While her body moved on autopilot, Natsu took note of where their setter was and commanded her body through the motions to send it her way. _Kill the momentum, rid the ball of any influence from the other team, make it something your team could command, score with all you have._

SMACK. The ball bounced off of Natsu’s forearms towards her setter as planned. 

“Nice receive, Hinata!” One of her teammates shouted.

She caught a glance of the opposing captain’s face, eyebrows furrowed and mouth downturned in a grimace that sent a delicious wave of twisted satisfaction down Natsu’s spine.

Miwa was wrong. Sometimes liberos get the first _and_ last word.

After the match, Natsu was bombarded by four Karasuno grads and Miwa. Yamaguchi and Yachi ran to hug her first, causing her duffle bag to slip. Tsukishima was probably providing exceptional commentary on the situation in the background, but Natsu couldn’t hear it over the sound of Yamaguchi and Yachi screaming.

“That was such a great game Natsu!”

“We’re so proud of you!”

“The look on the other team’s face when you dug their serves!”

Their voices were overwhelming, and Natsu only had a chance to breathe when Miwa cleared her throat. The two reluctantly freed Natsu from their hug. Natsu couldn’t tell if it was the fluorescent lights, but Yachi looked like she'd cried just a little. It pulled Natsu’s heart some kind of way, knowing someone had shed tears for her.

“Thanks for coming,” Natsu picked up her bag. “It looks like everyone already met Miwa.”

“Yup,” Kageyama deadpanned. He wore a hat, likely hoping no one would recognize him. Natsu smiled; typical Kageyama. 

Tsukishima tilted his head at him. “I’m pretty sure she was talking about everyone except you.”

Tobio simply glared back.

“This one’s funny,” Miwa pointed her thumb at Tsukishima. Her smile resembled the one Tobio would always attempt but could never quite achieve.

“Natsu, you were amazing out there!” Yamaguchi continued, not quite finished with his compliments.

“I still can’t believe you got a starting position after starting playing libero this year,” Yachi exclaimed.

Natsu Smiled and rubbed the back of her neck, unsure of what to do with the bombardment of praise.

“I believe it,” Miwa said. “There are skills specific to setters and skills specific to liberos, but fundamentally they’re the same. Knowing how to practice, how to discipline yourself, how to work with others, Natsu already knew how to do all of that.”

The corners of Natsu’s mouth turned upwards into a smile.

“Come on everyone, let's take a photo together to send to Shoyo before Natsu has to leave,” Yachi said.

Tsukishima pulled out his phone, and everyone grouped together under the view of his phone.

“Don’t forget your gold metal!”

“Oh right!” Natsu held up her prize, still not quite used to the weight of it in her hands.

She couldn’t wait for Shoyo to see.

______________________________________

Shoyo returned from Brazil bringing the sun with him. It was the only explanation for the unbearable summer temperatures. The heat left the two siblings housebound in the company of each other and Shoyo’s suitcases. 

“I can’t believe it’s this hot in Japan,” Shoyo said as he laid flat on the floor, claiming it was cooler.

“Yeah,” Natsu responded, lounging on the couch.

“And I can’t believe you’re taller than me now.”

“I’m finally the taller Hinata.”

“Come on Natsu, it’s only three centimeters!”

Natsu shrugged.

Her brother, though still as loud and enthusiastic as ever, had grown up. His skin was a little tanner, shoulders broader, and thoughts sometimes quieter. Shoyo always fit in everywhere, so Natsu knew without a doubt that adult Shoyo would be able to transform and adapt back to his childhood home. 

Yet, Natsu was unsure whether or not _they’d_ still fit together. Did they even fit together before Shoyo left for Brazil? She couldn’t remember.

“Hey Natsu,” Shoyo said.

“Hmm,” Natsu responded.

Shoyo took in a deep breath.

“I’m sorry I was a rotten brother, and I’m especially sorry I didn’t ask you about Brazil. I thought about it a lot the past two years. How I treated you, how I listened to you, how I didn’t listen to you, how I got too caught up in volleyball that I forgot I was also your brother. All of it.”

Natsu stared at the ceiling, measuring the time with her breathing.

“It’s okay,” Natsu finally responded.

“But it’s not,” Shoyo sat up and looked at Natsu. “I made everything about myself for so long. I just- I feel like I lost so much time with you, and I don’t even know what you lost along the way.”

“Shoyo,” Natsu sat to face her brother. “We were both kids. We’re still kids, and I don’t care that you’re 21 and that you’ve lived on the other side of the world. Growing up is hard and beating yourself up is easy. So I’m sorry for giving you a hard time too. Maybe it really isn’t okay, but you thinking about how to be better is okay, and you being back home is okay too.”

They stared at each other as Natsu regained her breath, and they were in the eye of a hurricane. The air around them changed violently, but the air between them was gentle. A moment of stillness in chaos. The sun shined through illuminating their orange hair.

Shoyo looked like he was about to cry.

“Please don’t-” Natsu began.

“I’m not going to cry!” Shoyo lied, tears streaming down his face.

“That’s why I was going to say ‘please don’t cry’!”

“I haven’t seen you in two years, and you’re all grown up. Let me cry!” 

“Fine but ugh! Now I feel awkward,” Natsu pulled her legs up to her chest like a shield.

“Can I give you a hug? Hugs aren’t awkward,” Shoyo said while wiping his eyes with his shirt sleeve. Definitely the unsanitary Hinata.

“When you’re all snot-faced like this? No.”

“Pleeeaaase?” Shoyo whined.

“No.”

“You’ve clearly been spending too much time with Tsukishima,” Shoyo pouted.

Natsu got up from the couch to escape her brother’s wrath and to grab a volleyball off of a bookshelf.

“You said you’d wipe the floor with my jersey right?” Natsu challenged spinning the ball in her hands. 

“Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten. I’m a different player than I was two years ago Natsu, and I can’t wait to wipe the floor with your new Niiyama jersey,” Shoyo’s eyes gleamed with both tears and pride.

“Well, my jersey won’t be on the floor because I’ll be waiting for you to get yours from MSBY.”

“Yeah? We’ll see about that.”

“First person to let the ball touch their side of the court loses.”

“Sounds good to me.”

They played in the backyard under the dying heat of the sun. They played until Shoyo lost and insisted on a rematch. They extended their game with every “I want a rematch” and “that was a fluke” just to keep feeling the impact of the ball on their arms and the adrenaline in their blood. Every adjustment reminded them of how much they’ve grown, and the rush of it all was exciting. They played until their mother came out to call them for dinner prompting the ball to finally land where they did not command.

Shirts sweat-soaked and hair flatter than usual, the siblings walked back indoors.

“You’re not half back for MSBY’s rookie wing spiker.” Natsu held out her fist.

“And you’re not too bad for Niiyama’s new starting libero.” Shoyo’s fist met hers.

Shoyo wrapped his arms around Natsu’s shoulders in a sloppy hug.

_Gross_ , Natsu thought, keeping her smile to herself.

______________________________________

  
  


Getting nervous for games was normal. Getting nervous for games at nationals was even more normal. For once, Natsu understood her brother’s unfortunate association with pre-game bathroom runs. 

Though the court felt familiar, everything else was new - the size of the crowd, the glaring fluorescent lights. 

Natsu closed her eyes, inhaled, and exhaled deeply. She was nervous, but she knew she’d get used to it. All of it: the noise, the opposing team, her own mind.

She looked up to the crowd as she finished putting on her elbow pads. Her brother, the Karasuno grads, the rest of the MSBY quartet, and Miwa were not hard to spot at all. Shoyo, Yamaguchi, Yachi, Bokuto, and Atsumu were cheering loudly, decked head to toe in various Niiyama branded gear that even Natsu didn’t know existed (since when did her school make branded headbands?). 

The last three dressed more subtly in Niiyama t-shirts. Though they were far away, Natsu could see a grimace on Tsukishima and Sakusa’s faces. She wondered who was going to get punched literally and metaphorically by one of those two before the end of the day.

She and her teammates lined up, waiting for their names to be called before going onto the court. 

“Hinata Natsu, Libero!”

Natsu jogged onto the court, tossing a peace sign to her unofficial fanclub which they returned with animal-like screaming. She bowed alongside the rest of her team, positioned herself in the back of the court, crouched low, and locked her gaze on the ball in the opposing server’s hand.

Her thoughts quelled as she took a deep breath. 

Natsu always had people watching her back, and these same people showed her how to look out for herself, give herself patience and grace, offer herself kindness in the face of change. They taught her how to enjoy the fires and the storms. It didn’t matter whether her jersey said “Hinata” or “Natsu”, she had learned to love both, and she was beginning to love the person behind the names. 

It’ll be a process, learning to exist comfortably in her skin, but Natsu knows how to navigate change even if her mind didn’t let her believe it. Like with volleyball, she’ll give herself time, time to appreciate the shimmering pieces of herself that fit into the palm of her callused hands.

There was a time when Natsu didn’t have a reason to play volleyball, didn’t have a reason to not play either. But today she stood on the court with purpose. Today she’d watch her teammates’ backs, embody all the lessons she learned. She was an accumulation of lived experiences and stories untold and today, she would play for herself. 

Because she’s Natsu. Hinata Natsu. And this was her story, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to my beta for roasting the shit out of me but also for providing emotional support and w**d. Ily but you already know that <3
> 
> Thanks to the bird app fam for hyping me up over this. Y'all are the sweetest, and I love each of you dearly.
> 
> This is my ode to Natsu who deserved more from the manga (I’m looking at you Furudate) but also to myself and everyone reading this. This is for those of us trying to figure shit out. This is for the people trying to understand the things they do, trying to answer their own impossible questions like, how do we hold our loved ones close? What brings us fulfillment? How do we hold ourselves with the tenderness we deserve?
> 
> They’re impossible questions for a reason, but there’s a plethora of answers out there for all of us to find and define for ourselves. I did my best to find them for Natsu. Now I guess it’s time for me to find them for myself. I hope you find your answers too <3
> 
> And you want to drop by and say hi, my twitter is [@an3m1c](https://twitter.com/an3m1c) :)


End file.
